Mensch•Mark For Elul 6: Loving Reproof or Rebuke - Ohev et HaTochachot

There is an art to giving criticism - and an art to accepting it. Too few of us are any good at either of them....and I include myself!

Loving Reproof or Rebuke - Middah Ohev et HaTochachot

The Torah’s “Tochacha” (Rebuke) is read twice a year: once during the forty-nine days of counting the Omer leading to Shavuot which commemorates the giving of the Torah, and again in the month of Elul before the High Holidays, calling us to repentance, to reconsider our paths. This year it will be read on Shabbat, Sept. 21, in those congregations that read the full portion. For a sneak preview, it’s Deuteronomy 28:15-69. Read it and weep! Literally! You can click on a verse to see the commentaries and weep some more.

URJ’s Take:

This middah (the Jewish ethical value) adds loving reproof to the list of traits one needs to acquire Torah. Why would anyone love or value being admonished?

In the commentary Mili d'Avos it is explained:

"A mature person welcomes constructive criticism; he or she puts spiritual growth ahead of ego. One must always understand that whoever offers rebuke is merely a messenger of God sent to make us focus on our shortcomings. Thus, do not reject the criticism of humans for if you do so, you really detest the rebuke of God." (Pirkei Avos, ArtScroll p.420)

The key to this explanation is that one should welcome constructive criticism. This middah is not suggesting that one simply accept whatever is said of a critical nature. It is corrective rebukes concerning religious or moral shortcomings that are to be accepted and welcomed.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch taught that a true disciple of Torah study loves right, duty, and fairness and will defend them wherever he or she may go. Since the goal of Torah study is the disciple's own personal moral and ethical perfection and improvement—the disciple will not be angry with someone who points out the disciple's errors or faults. In fact, the disciple should thank this individual, regarding him or her as a friend and not an enemy. (Chapters of the Fathers, translation and commentary by Samson Raphael Hirsch, p.108-109)

Even the rabbis of the Talmud recognized how difficult it is to accept rebuke when one wrote, "I doubt whether in this age there is a single person who accepts rebuke." (Talmud, Arakhin)

That statement was made centuries ago, yet remains true today. It is easy to give criticism but very difficult to accept it.

BARBARA BINDER KADDEN

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MY TAKE:

Rabbi Yosi ben Chanina said: “A love without reproof is no love.” Resh Lakish said: “Reproof leads to peace; a peace where there has been no reproof is no peace.” Genesis Rabbah 54:3

Here are some tips on how to take criticism like a champ.

1. Stop Your First Reaction

At the first sign of criticism, before you do anything—stop. Really. Try not to react at all! You will have at least one second to stop your reaction. While one second seems insignificant in real life, it’s ample time for your brain to process a situation. And in that moment, you can halt a dismissive facial expression or reactive quip and remind yourself to stay calm.

2. Remember the Benefit of Getting Feedback

Now, you have a few seconds to quickly remind yourself of the benefits of receiving constructive criticism—namely, to improve your skills, work product, and relationships, and to help you meet the expectations that your manager and others have of you.

You should also try to curtail any reaction you’re having to the person who is delivering the feedback. It can be challenging to receive criticism from a co-worker, a peer, or someone that you don’t fully respect, but remember, accurate and constructive feedback comes even from flawed sources.

3. Listen for Understanding

You’ve avoided your typical reaction, your brain is working, and you’ve recalled all the benefits of feedback—high-five! Now, you’re ready to engage in a productive dialogue as your competent, thoughtful self (as opposed to your combative, Mean Girls self).

As the person shares feedback with you, listen closely. Allow the person to share his or her complete thoughts, without interruption. When he or she is done, repeat back what you heard. For example, “I hear you saying that you want me to provide more detailed weekly reports, is that right?” At this point, avoid analyzing or questioning the person’s assessment; instead, just focus on understanding his or her comments and perspective. And give the benefit of the doubt here—hey, it’s difficult to give feedback to another person. Recognize that the person giving you feedback may be nervous or may not express his or her ideas perfectly.

4. Say Thank You

Next (and this is a hard part, I know), look the person in the eyes and thank him or her for sharing feedback with you. Don’t gloss over this—be deliberate, and say, “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me.” Expressing appreciation doesn’t have to mean you’re agreeing with the assessment, but it does show that you’re acknowledging the effort your colleague took to evaluate you and share his or her thoughts.

5. Ask Questions to Deconstruct the Feedback

Now it’s time to process the feedback—you’ll probably want to get more clarity at this point and share your perspective. Avoid engaging in a debate; instead, ask questions to get to the root of the actual issues being raised and possible solutions for addressing them. For example, if a colleague tells you that you got a little heated in a meeting, here are a few ways to deconstruct the feedback:

Seek specific examples to help you understand the issue: “I was a little frustrated, but can you share when in the meeting you thought I got heated?”

Acknowledge the feedback that is not in dispute: “You're right that I did cut him off while he was talking, and I later apologized for that.”

Try to understand whether this is an isolated issue (e.g., a mistake you made once): “Have you noticed me getting heated in other meetings?”

Seek specific solutions to address the feedback: “I’d love to hear your ideas on how I might handle this differently in the future.”

6. Request Time to Follow Up

Hopefully, by this point in the conversation, you can agree on the issues that were raised. Once you articulate what you will do going forward, and thank the person again for the feedback, you can close the conversation and move on.

That said, if it’s a larger issue, or something presented by your boss, you may want to ask for a follow-up meeting to ask more questions and get agreement on next steps. And that’s OK—it’ll give you time to process the feedback, seek advice from others, and think about solutions.

Constructive criticism is often the only way we learn about our weaknesses—without it we can’t improve. When we’re defensive, instead of accepting and gracious, we run the risk of missing out on this important insight. Remember, feedback is not easy to give and it’s certainly not easy to receive, but it will help us now and in the long run.

• See my packet on the “Tochecha” the “Great Scolding, that occurs twice in the Torah.

• See also this article, lending a Jewish perspective to taking criticism.

• Ten Paths to God - The Way of Responsibility: The Jewish Future (Jonathan Sacks)

• And this: Trump’s refusal to take responsibility is a deep moral failure (Vox) And that was in 2017!

• In 1st, Netanyahu accepts some responsibility for Oct. 7: ‘I hold myself and everyone on this’ (TOI)