Mensch•Mark For Tishrei 6: Asking and Answering - Middah Shoayl U'Mayshiv

Ways to keep talking, even when dialogue seems impossible.

About the Mensch•Mark Series

The Talmudic tractate Avot, 6:6 provides a roadmap as to how to live an ethical life.  This passage includes 48 middot (measures) through which we can “acquire Torah.”  See the full list here.  For each of these days of reflection, running from the first of Elul through Yom Kippur, I’m highlighting one of these middot, in order to assist each of us in the process of soul searching (“heshbon ha-nefesh”).

URJ’s Take:

Text
"When Rabbi [Judah1, the Patriarch] is engaged with one tractate, you are not to question him about another." (B. Shabbat 3b)

Commentary
Traditional Jewish sources provide us with many examples from which we can learn the correct protocol for asking and answering questions. The Talmudic sages explain that a wise student asks questions of his teacher only regarding the issue at hand. The teacher, who is totally involved in that subject, can then provide correct and appropriate answers. When a student asks a tangential question, the teacher will often be unable to redirect his thoughts to be able to reply intelligently and to the point. It was for this reason that R. Chiya told Rav, "When Rabbi is engaged in the study of one tractate, do not question him concerning another tractate." (Shabbat 3b)

The disciples of the Baal Shem Tov heard that a certain man was a sage. Some of them were anxious to see and hear his "Torah." The master gave them permission to go, but first they asked him: How will we know that he is a true teacher? The Baal Shem replied: Ask him for advice on how to pray and learn without distraction. If he answers, you will know there is nothing to him. (Stern, Day by Day, p.335)

We have all experienced the frustration of having to listen to someone who purports to wanting to ask a question, but who, in fact, uses the opportunity to expound his/her views on a particular subject. According to Tiferes Yisrael, a commentary on Pirkei Avot, a learned person asks only relevant questions and does not use halachic discussion as a forum to display his intellectual prowess. Likewise, when he answers questions, he gives the most simple and straightforward response, rather than engaging in an exegetic display. His major concern in both cases is to discover the truth. The Talmud also praises the learned man as one who does not mix domains of knowledge, either in questioning or in answering. He does not ask for logical proofs in areas of faith, nor does he offer theoretical answers to practical questions. His answers are always relevant to the type of question asked and are within the parameters of the discipline under discussion (Rambam, R'Yonah)

Our sages placed a great deal of importance on the art of listening to questions rather than on answering them. Rabbi Eichanan Wasserman offered his son an important piece of advice on achieving success in his Torah studies: "Seeking answers to the questions of Tosafot (a 13th century group of Talmudic commentators) should be left for one's later years, when one's mind is less innovative. When one is young, and fresh, all his energies should go into 'listening' to Tosafot, trying to fully understand the question. Discovering an answer to a question is not cause for celebration; it anything it may be a loss, for it usually indicates that one has not fully understood what bothered the commentators in the first place."

My Take (Via Rabbi Jonathan Sacks): Seven Principles for Maintaining Jewish Dialogue

Today, across the Jewish world, there remains much internal conflict. When individual Jews or groups of Jews have disagreements, as inevitably happens, we have to find ways to overcome them respectfully, to ensure we continue to thrive as a people.

To that end, I have set out below what I regard as seven of the key principles for maintaining Jewish dialogue. I hope some, or all of them, speak to you.

PRINCIPLE 1: Keep talking, even when you disagree. The more you talk, the more you are likely to eventually find a way to work together.

PRINCIPLE 2: Listen deeply to one another. Hear what your opponent is saying. Listening is profoundly therapeutic. It is also deeply spiritual. The good news about the Jewish people is that we’re among the world’s best speakers. The bad news is that we’re among the world’s worst listeners. This has to change. Shema Yisrael, the great command, means, “Listen, Israel.”

PRINCIPLE 3: Always be humble and modest by striving to understand the point of view with which you disagree. That was the way of Hillel. It remains the first rule of conflict management.

PRINCIPLE 4: Never seek victory. Never ever seek to inflict defeat on your opponents. If you seek to inflict defeat on your opponent, your opponent – such is human psychology – will seek to retaliate by inflicting defeat on you. The end result will be that even if you win today, you will lose tomorrow, and, in the end, everyone will lose. Don’t think in terms of victory and defeat. Think in terms of what is best for the Jewish people.

PRINCIPLE 5: If you show contempt for other Jews, they will show contempt for you. If you show respect for other Jews, they will show respect for you. If you seek respect, give respect.

PRINCIPLE 6: Remember that the ultimate basis of Jewish peoplehood is “Kol Yisrael arevim zeh bazeh”, “All Jews are responsible for one another”. We may not agree on anything, but we remain a single extended family. If you disagree with a friend, tomorrow he or she may no longer be your friend. But if you disagree with a family member, tomorrow he or she is still part of your family. Being a family is what keeps us together. We don’t need to agree with each other, but we do need to care about each other.

PRINCIPLE 7: God chose us as a people. He didn’t choose only the righteous; He chose all of us. It is as a people we stand before God, and it is as a people we stand before the world. The world doesn’t make distinctions, anti-Semites don’t make distinctions. We are united by a covenant of shared memory, shared identity, and shared fate, even if we have differing perspectives on our faith.

The Sages said that the Torah was given to make peace in the world. How can we, the Jewish people or the State of Israel, be at peace with the world if we are unable to live at peace with ourselves? Bear this in mind the next time you are tempted to walk away from some group of Jews that you think has offended you. We are each called on to make some effort, some gesture, to listen to one another, to forgive one another, and to stay together as an extended, almost infinitely varied family. That is the only ultimate tikkun for the echoing grief of the Three Weeks that has haunted our history, and reverberates still.