Mensch•Mark For Elul 9: A Minimum of Small Talk - Miyut Sichah. (Or, how to avoid talking about dog eaters in a presidential debate).
In a dog-eat-dog world, it's hard to avoid nasty rumors. I once challenged my congregants to go through the Days of Awe without uttering gossip. It was an astounding success - and we all failed.
Here is a list of names of those who died on 9/11/2001
I’m getting this out at sunset on Wed evening, the very beginning of Elul 9. On the secular calendar, this is still Sept. 11, and I want to share this poem by Rabbi Jack Bloom z/l. This beautiful poem is a fitting memorial to Jack too, who lived in Fairfield CT and was known as a “rabbi’s rabbi.” A brief excerpt:
In the Name of those Silenced on 9/11.
We are no longer with you, yet by remembering our
name — you make room for us in your heart, and the memory of
us among you who live on — so that those who follow us may in
our name and our memory — make the world a better and safer
place!Let us not be nameless — Remember us by our name — you who
love us and whom we loved in return.If you are a namesake of any of us — honor the name we share
with a life of love, courage and kindness.We lived a life — We have a name! Do not forget us — Remember
our name and our love for you and your love for us!As you hear our name — honor our name by creating a world of
Freedom, Love and Peace!!We are those whose life was ended on 9/11 on a sunny late
summer day.Remember our names!
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Well, the 2024 election finally has its signature line. In 1980 it was “There you go again.” In 1988 it was “You’re no Jack Kennedy.” And in 2012 it was “Binders full of women.” And this year’s campaign will now forever be referred to as the year when a serious candidate for the presidency said, in a debate, “They’re eating the dogs” - and he was not referring to Joey Chestnut and Nathan’s Famous, which, incidentally, are often eaten with a baked Dan Quayle potatoe.
And who could have guessed that of the few items debunked by the moderators on Tuesday, one would be about the eating of household pets by migrants and other that murdering children is illegal in all 50 states. Yes, a large portion of the country seems to have been taken in by false conspiracy theories. And it all comes back to gossip.
Gossip has always been a source of great consternation, but social media has increased the dangers exponentially. Especially during a political campaign, like now, crazy rumors proliferate like wildfires. Some of them even penetrate the mainstream discourse so much that they are mentioned in presidential debates. If Donald Trump had read this posting before passing along the unfounded, disgusting and racist rumor about migrants eating pets, he might have avoided a lot of embarrassment.
And for those who want to drag Jews into this nasty, racist meme, the joke’s on them. Dogs and cats aren’t kosher! (Though this not-funny parody site has the Israeli rabbinate declaring felines to be kosher to help remedy Israel’s stray cat problem).
So without further ado, today middah: Minimum of Small Talk - Middah Miyut Sichah
About the Mensch•Mark Series
The Talmudic tractate Avot, 6:6 provides a roadmap as to how to live an ethical life. This passage includes 48 middot (measures) through which we can “acquire Torah.” See the full list here. For each of these days of reflection, running from the first of Elul through Yom Kippur, I’m highlighting one of these middot, in order to assist each of us in the process of soul searching (“heshbon ha-nefesh”).
URJ’s Take
Many of the middot are concerned with striving for moderation in our lives. This middah is particularly focused on minimizing conversation. Our text suggests that too much talking can lead to transgressions while minimizing talking is considered a sign of intelligence.
The sages of the Talmud connect silence with wisdom. R. Hiyya says "It isn't necessary to tell a wise man to hold his tongue" (Derech Eretz Zuta 7.4) while R. Akiva says: "Silence is a protection for wisdom." (Pirkei Avot 3:17) According to the Biblical commentator Bartenura, R. Akiva "is not talking about silence with respect to speaking of Torah because it has been written that one should speak words of Torah. And the silence being referred to is not about gossip, lashon hara (evil speech), or slander because the Torah contains laws about those transgressions. What this line about silence must be referring to is elective, permitted conversation that takes place between two people. A person should minimize that kind of talk as much as possible." Solomon in Proverbs said about these matters: "Even fools, if they keep silent, are deemed wise." (Freeman, Teaching Jewish Virtues, p.152)
However, the sages were not urging us to take vows of total silence. They understood that "there is a time to keep silent and a time to speak" (Eccl.3:7) and that both silence and speech are important in expressing the many aspects of wisdom.
The Talmudic rabbis have provided us with very clear guidelines regarding the importance of limiting what we say:
"The wise person does not speak before those that are greater in wisdom;
And does not break into their fellow's speech.
And is not in a rush to reply.
And asks what is relevant and replies to the point.
And speaks of first things first and of last things last.
Of what has not been heard they say, "I have not heard,"
And they acknowledges what is true.
And the opposites apply to the clod." (Pirkei Avot 5:9)
MY TAKE: Words Matter
One year, I challenged my congregation to go from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur without uttering a word of gossip. We called it the Ten Days Project. it was an astounding success - not that a single person succeeded, but the goal was not perfect execution but increased awareness of what we were saying.
Unfortunately, the Talmudic rabbis often associated idle chatter with women, but let’s set that aside as we look more deeply into the importance of choosing words carefully. Words are vehicles of holiness, and not just for Jews. Check out these two Buddhist quotes.
“Speak only the speech that neither torments self nor does harm to others. That speech is truly well spoken. Speak only endearing speech, speech that is welcomed. Speech when it brings no evil to others is pleasant.”
“He avoids idle chatter and abstains from it. He speaks at the right time, in accordance with facts, speaks what is useful, speaks of the Dhamma and the discipline; his speech is like a treasure, uttered at the right moment, accompanied by reason, moderate and full of sense.”
The 19th century rabbinic sage known as the Chafetz Chayim (seeker of life) made the laws of holy speech his life’s work. You can read the laws involving speech and gossip here, a primer on how to raise our children to speak well of others, and a full translation of the Chafetz Chayim’s Guide to the Laws of Gossip on this website, arranged for daily study.
Elie Wiesel, of blessed memory, spoke often about the profound significance of silence, as well as the need to speak up at the appropriate times in the face of evil. He said:
You can be a silent witness, which means silence itself can become a way of communication. There is so much in silence. There is an archeology of silence. There is a geography of silence. There is a theology of silence. There is a history of silence. Silence is universal and you can work within it, within its own parameters and its own context, and make that silence into a testimony. Job was silent after he lost his children and everything, his fortune and his health. Job, for seven days and seven nights he was silent, and his three friends who came to visit him were also silent. That must have been a powerful silence, a brilliant silence.
All that said, I do believe there is a time for small talk too. It’s the glue that binds people together in common discovery. It’s the unpeeling of the first layer revealing glimpses into a person’s soul. You can’t possibly get to know someone deeply without first exploring the superficialities that are common ground, safe subjects like the weather and the latest movies.
This mensch-mark doesn’t say “NO small talk,” after all. We just need to be aware that at some point, we need to recall that time’s a wastin’ and there is important work to do.
After all, there is another way to look at that verse, which teaches a lesson diametrically opposed to what appears on the surface.
“Mi’ut sicha,” is traditionally translated as “limiting idle conversation.” But Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz teaches:
I learned an intriguing explanation about this phrase which suggests that the word miut not be translated as telling us to limit, but rather that the only type of conversation we should engage in is mi’ut sicha or small talk; that this type of talk is healthy and generative. Connecting with others, having human interaction, is an important and integral part of achieving real growth and small talk can be an important method in achieving those goals.
We can’t lose ourselves in frivolity, but perhaps it is within those moments of carefully curated small talk that gems of wisdom can emerge.
See The Top 35 Hebrew Conversation Starters for Any Occasion
See below: roadmap for the Ten Days Project. Try it yourself this year!
